Mayonnaise as good as Duke’s

I am an unapologetic fanboi of mayonnaise. I love the shit. I love it so much I’d marry it if that were legal in my state. This recipe is the best I’ve had aside from Duke’s, the last commercial mayonnaise that doesn’t add sugar. Sadly, Duke’s can only be bought in the south of the US. Before discovering Duke’s, I was a Hellmann’s boy. And it’s a fine mayonnaise. But I think this is better. And it’s dirt cheap to make.

Equipment
-A stand mixer OR a hand-held electric mixer OR a blender into which you can pour liquids while it runs.

Ingredients

1.5 – 2 cups canola oil or other light, flavorless oil

1 whole egg
4 tsps. white vinegar. No, not apple cider, not rice, and for god’s sake not balsamic. White. Vinegar.
1/2 tsp. salt
1 tsp. dried, ground mustard
1 tablespoon French’s Yellow prepared mustard
1 pinch cayenne pepper

Technique
Whip egg, salt, dried mustard, prepared yellow mustard, cayenne, and vinegar with two tablespoons of the oil. Scrape bowl. Put mixer on highest setting and add a thin stream of oil until mayonnaise turns thick and white. Every now and again stop the mixer to scrape the bowl. Whip and add oil until the mayonnaise is your preferred consistency. The more the oil, the heavier and also the whiter.

EXPECT this to take at least 10 to 15 minutes. Do not rush adding the oil or it could break.

The last spreadable butter you’ll ever need

Don’t ever buy whipped butter, spreadable butter, or half-fat margarine again. This recipe does it all, it’s easy, and it’s cheap.

Equipment
-A stand mixer OR a hand-held electric mixer

Ingredients
-(scalable—this recipe uses 1/4 cup for each part. You can make more or less with the same proportions)
-2 parts butter, at room temperature, sliced into chunks (1 stick=1/2 cup=2 parts)
-1 part greek yogurt, room temperature
-1 part flavorless oil, such as canola, corn, etc.
-1 part water
-1/4 teaspoon salt. Plain, granulated salt. Not some fancy chunky shit that won’t dissolve.

Technique
KEEP MIXER RUNNING THROUGHOUT EXCEPT WHEN SCRAPING BOWL.
Place butter in mixer bowl. Whip on high until butter is totally smooth and liquid. Scrape bowl as needed throughout. Pour in oil at a medium pace; don’t dump it in, but you don’t have to trickle it either. ┬áPour water in, whip until smooth. When mixed, spoon in greek yogurt a spoonful at a time. Whip until smooth on highest speed. You’ll end up with something that looks like butter frosting or soft whipped cream.

Pour into glass container and refrigerate.

This “margarine” sets up firm when cooled, yet spreads right out of the fridge. It’s delicious and tastes real, not fake, like commercial products. Bonus—it has half the total fat, half the saturated fat, and about half the calories of plain butter.